|   Tiny Heinie & the Assclowns: 24 hrs @ GHIP report (w/pics) | *rt*
Oct 24, 2003 9:57 AM | | We rode our (pick one) hearts, legs, lungs, stomachs, and/or heinies off.
Saturday, Oct. 18, 9:30 am
We're late. It's 9:30am and we're still in Atlanta. It's 32 miles from my house to the parking lot at the Georgia International Horse Park (aka Conyers). The team captain's meeting is at 10:30. I'm the team captain for Team Hooked 3: Tiny Heinie and the Assclowns & I need to be at that meeting. But we still need to stop at the grocery store and get ice. It's 9:30. We're late.
9:45 am
Ok, we've stopped at the store. We have ice for the coolers. 32 miles, should get me there by 10:15. not exactly early but enough time to find the campsite and still get to the captain's meeting.
10:03 am
Why do people insist on driving so )&$*)^#*()!!!!! slow??????!!!! Can't they tell I have places to be and bikes to ride??
10:20 am
Dayna: "Hey girl! Where's your campsite?"
Me: "I don't' know I'm not there yet!!"
Dayna: "Not here yet?! You know the captain's meeting starts in a few minutes."
Me: "I KNOW!! I'm freaking out. I'm late! I'm almost there. Gotta go.."
10:28 am
I pull into the parking lot at Conyers. The field looks like a Kosovo refugee camp...with a lot of bikes. Tents. People. Children. Dogs. Bikes. Everywhere!
"ATTENTION COMPETITORS. THE CAPTAIN'S MEETING WILL BEGIN ON THE EXPO IN 2 MINUTES. ALL TEAM CAPTAINS NEED TO BE AT THE MEETING!"
I throw my car into the first available space. I can find the campsite later. I tear out of my car and over to the expo area just in time to find my teammate Marc (aka Mr. meanpants with grey kona) ready to stand in for me. Glad someone knows how to be on time!! ;-)
10:40 am
Captain's meeting is over. Many thanks to Marc for standing in for my late-ass. I send Marc to the Volunteer's meeting since none of our volunteers will be arriving until 2 pm.
11:00 am
Campsite is found. Car is unloaded. Tents are put up. Team is together.
I am practicing deep breathing exercises to calm down. We are team Hooked on the Outdoors-3: Tiny Heinie & the Assclowns: Me (aka *rt*), Ed (aka Eddie O), Mark (aka MotoMark), Marc (aka mr. meanpants with grey kona), and Peter (aka..uh..Peter). Our goal is to have fun, ride hard, kick some heinie, and hopefully find ourselves on the podium on Sunday afternoon.
The weather is great. Blue, blue, blue skies. The leaves are just starting to turn. Temps forecast to be in the high 70's for the day but chilly at night. Rain early in the week & then very light rain on Friday has packed down the trails and made the trail conditions ideal. You couldn't ask for anything better.
Noon
Peter kindly "volunteered" to do the Lemans start..in a clown wig, clown nose, and a fake butt!!
Yup, we really are assclowns. According to Peter he has never been so thoroughly groped as he was while in the pack waiting to start the run.
They're off!!
Peter gets a great start and is toward the front of the group of runners. He comes through the start/finish after the prologue lap still in the top 1/3.
Peter's real ass... ;-P
Go Peter go!!
I am 2nd in our rotation. I go back to our campsite to get changed and warm up.
Our strategy is an optional 1 lap 1st rotation for everyone and then move into a 2 lap rotation for the remainder of the race. This should give us each about 6 hours between rides and we should go through the full rotation about 4 times. I estimate that I will be turning approximately 50 minute laps.
Conyers is the site of the '96 olympic mtb course. Although the course has changed substantially since the olympics it is still a course to be reckoned with. It is 7.7 miles and consists of 2 separate loops connected with a big-ring straight-away that takes you along the back side of the camping area. The first loop is fast, fast, fast with 2 significant climbs but little that is super technical. The second loop takes you over an expanse of granite slick rock that beats you silly over the course of 24 hours. The granite loop is more technical and contains 2 of the most difficult climbs on the course.
12:50 pm
Peter finishes his first lap in 49 minutes (including the run & the prologue lap). I grab the baton and jump on my bike. I'm off.
Despite the excellent trail conditions, the course is dusty. I have asthma. I am pushing hard & riding fast. I can't breath. The course is cluttered with people, but provides numerous opportunities to pass and everyone is accomodating and polite. I am wheezing but still pushing hard. I'm glad I'm not wearing my heart rate monitor as it probably would have exploded.
I come out of the first loop and onto the straightaway along the back side of the camping ground. People are cheering & the sound of cowbells are everywhere. I'm in the big ring and I feel like I'm flying. I just wish it didn't feel like I was breathing through a coffee stirrer.
Onto the granite. Still pedaling hard. Still wheezing hard. I try to control my breathing. That coffee stirrer that I'm breathing through seems to be getting smaller & smaller. I know this course. I know when to shift. I know what is coming up. I clean all the climbs except the one before the last checkpoint. I'm in the home stretch, still wheezing but pushing hard. Back into the big ring through the start/finsh corridor.
DISMOUNT HERE!! Unclip my right food & swing my leg over the bike cyclocross style. Right foot touches the ground. Left foot......REMAINS CLIPPED IN. Hop! Hop! SH*T!! I nearly take out the volunteer who is telling people to dismount. She jumps backward with a terrified look on her face. Finally, my left foot is freed from the confines of the pedal and by some miracle I manage not to crash or take out the volunteer. I run into the transition tent, scream "428!!!", smack the baton on the table and there is Ed waiting for the hand off.
My first lap complete...in under 47 minutes! Peter meets me in the transition area & takes my bike. I am in the throes of an asthma attack like I have not had in ages. Breathing is a foreign concept. I cough so hard it makes my head hurt. But I have my inhaler and 6 hours before my next lap. A banana & a pb&j are calling my name.
Ed is our ringer. He is strong, fast, and excells at endurance stuff. He opts to jump right in with 2 consecutive laps.
2:30 pm
Where are our volunteers? They both said they'd be at the campsite by 2pm. Neither is anywhere to be found.
We call. A message is left for one. We talk to the other. He says he is on his way.
Ed turns in two consistent 40 minute laps. Mark goes out for his first lap.
~5:30 pm
Marc (not to be confused with Mark) heads out for his first laps. He also chooses to start with 2 consecutive laps.
I am still wheezing from my earlier asthma attack. I decide that it may be best for me to stick to a 1 lap rotation for the whole race and concentrate on turning in the fastest laps I can. This should keep my times more in line with the faster men's laps and require that I spend less time breathing through that coffee stirrer.
visiting between laps
~7:00 pm
I get the dusk lap. My breathing is still labored but my legs feel ok. I pass people on climbs. I hum to myself. I wheeze a lot. People can hear me coming up from behind and quickly move out of the way of what I am sure sounds like a dying mack truck. By the time I come back into the transition area it is full dark. I had the baton to Ed and head back to the campsite for another banana & pb&j. My next lap won't be until around 2am.
Tiny Heinie & the Assclowns are battling it out for 2nd place. We are just seconds apart but nearly 20 minutes off of first. The team in 1st has 2 pros. We shrug out shoulders and concentrate on 2nd place.
Sunday, Oct. 19, ~1:00 am
It is dark and it is COLD. Everything is damp from condensation. I am wearing leg warmers, shorts, a long sleeve polypro, a short sleeve jersey, a fleece zipped up to my chin, a fleece vest zipped up to my chin, and my favorite fleece ski hat. I am on my trainer spinning slowly. I can see my breath. It campground is relatively quiet. Most noise is drown out by the hum of the many generators (all of which I covet). The sky is clear & the stars are bright. I try to breath "smoke" rings as I ride my trainer in the dark.
2:10 am
There is nothing quite like being out on the trail in the dead of night. Last year there was a full moon, but this year we only got ½ ...no less beautiful though.
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(pre-dawn pic from last year)
The woods look like they have been taken over by monster sized HID fireflies, and the dust in the beam of my helmet light look like snow. It is cold & I am tired. I bail on the steepest of the slick rock climbs and land square on my top tube. OUCH! Don't let anyone tell you that that sort of thing hurts girls less. It doesn't. Trust me.
3:00 am
I roll into the transition tent with a 52 minute lap time, call out my number, show the baton, and look for Ed. No Ed. Where is Ed?? I stand there for a minute like a deer caught in the headlights. What to do? Wait? Go out for another lap? Uh...come on brain, work! Go get Ed..yes, that's what I should do. Released from my inertia I took off running toward our campsite yelling like it was noon in NYC. Fortunately our camp site was within sight distance of the transition area and I ran back toward our camp yelling "ED!!!" loud enough to wake the dead (or at least everyone within earshot).
With our transition made, I downed my 3rd bottle of endurox for the day and changed into all of my dry clothes.
Unfortunately our volunteers never showed and we were stuck with a 3am-7am volunteer shift. Mark had begged his wife Pam to volunteer and she was on her way but we needed someone to cover until she arrived. Since I was awake and had the longest time before I had to ride next, I covered the shift and stood shivering at the crossing point between the parking lot and the expo area until Pam arrived. Many, many, many heartfelt thanks to Pam for coming out and doing the coldest volunteer work in the world!!
~4:15 am
Still dressed in all my clothes I set my alarm for 7am and crawled into my sleeping bag and promptly passed out.
7:30 am
Why isn't the sun up? Isn't there some law against it still being dark at 7 am?? I stand staring at another pb&j sandwich wishing to eat something that neither comes from peanuts nor in a yellow peel. Peter is getting ready to head out for his laps which means I have about 80 minutes before I need to be in the transition area. I hate pb&j. I'm not too fond of the dark either. I'm tired of being damp. I want a shower. The guys over at the Maxxis tent are having pancakes & syrup. I wonder if I'd go to jail for killing them for their pancakes? I eat my pb&j listlessly.
I notice the sky is getting lighter & there is a distinct red line above the trees. Guess that's east. The sun is rising.
I immediately feel a little better. I get dressed and on my trainer. My stomach is just saying no to pb&j. I have an emphazemic cough (gotta give up that 5 pack a day habit). I pedal slowly as the sky turns an unbelieveable shade of blue. Campsites begin to come alive and the activity bolsters me. I am finally too warmly dressed and I shed a layer.
9:00 am
I am back out on the course for my last lap. Wheezing aside I am going to try to match my time for my first lap, but my legs are having none of that. I settle for going as fast as I can.
Tiny Heinie and crew has spent most of the night holding 3rd place, but we are matched for laps with 1st & 2nd, and we are only about 7 minutes off of 2nd. I feel like my legs are filled with lead.
9:50
I'm back in the transition tent. I hand the baton to Ed. My last lap is over. The sun is burning brightly in the sky and I am done. My race season is done. Oh look, another bottle of endurox & another pb&j. ugh.
Mark, Pam (our wonderful volunteer), and Peter are all up & moving at Tiny Heinie headquarters. Marc comes over to the campsite holding a little ribbon of paper and says hey guys, I'm done. I've got chest pains and I went to the medical tent and they say my blah-blah-blah is spiking and I might have a blockage in my heart. I can't ride anymore. I'm really sorry'
Meanwhile, Mark is sitting in a camp chair looking distinctly wan. He hasn't eaten anything since 5 pm Sat and his stomach is in full revolt. Peter is looking a little more chipper since he has been done since just before my lap. I am doubled over wheezing and coughing.
Ed turns in 2 more consistent sub-45 minute laps and Mark heads out (with his unhappy stomach) for his last lap. I go check our standings. We are still in 3rd and are 8 minutes & 1 lap behind 2nd. If Mark has a good lap we might be able to make up the time and get someone out before the noon cut off.
Peter & I go stand in the expo area where they are doing contests and give aways. A headstand contest is announced. The prize: a pair of Merrell shoes. I practically throw myself at the the announcer. I figure, 13 years of gymnastics should at least be useful for something. It is. I have a pair of Merrell shoes. Peter sees how easy it is and volunteers for the men's headstand contest. He also walks away with a new pair of shoes. Tiny Heinie is cleaning up!!
(peter is the butt closest to the camera)
We head back to the transition area hoping to see Mark come in. We wait. And wait. Time ticks by..
23:58:00..
23:59:00...
23:59:30..
23:59:45...
23:59:55...
23:59:59....
24:00:00.
No Mark.
We are done. 3rd place is ours. We are elated.
Final team stats:
3rd place 5-person co-ed
30 laps
231 miles ridden
33,000' climbed
8 laps by Ed, 7 by Peter, 6 by Marc, 5 by Mark, and 4 by yours truly
1 trip to the ER
0 major mechanicals
0 major blood-letting crashes
1 team member dry heaving
1 24-hour long asthma attack
My final stats
4 laps
30.8 miles ridden
4400' climbed
average lap time: 49 min
fastest lap time: 46+ min (3nd fastest female lap time overall)
0 crashes (well, except for that top tube thing)
0 mechanicals
13 hrs slept Sunday night
Many thanks to our two sponsors: Hooked on the Outdoors Magazine (www.ruhooked.com) and Outback Bikes (Atlanta, GA), and to Pam for being our volunteer.
We had a great team, and a great time. I wouldn't trade any of it or anyone for anything!
rt
(photo credits to Mark P, Rob Giersch, Scott, Javaun, & the 24 HOA website) |
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