|   Withdrew from a race for the first time........LONG RANT | LosingIT
Feb 21, 2002 8:46 PM | | (disclaimer: if you dont want to listen to a long, depressing rant, stop reading now)
Well it happened to me. I withdrew from a race for the first time. I started racing last year and moved up to sport late last season. This past Sunday was the first race of the season, 2 laps (20 miles)of the muddiest, coldest, and all around most miserable race around. Funny thing is I did it last season which was the first time I'd ever raced. It was fun as hell and I finished in decent position in beginner.
This year was to be different.
Preparation has been good. I've been training with Friels book fairly consistently over the past 2 months doing a nice, steady build into the upcoming season. I've been feeling great physically and mentally I was quite confident leading up to race day.
So what happened? I'm still trying to figure it out. I found out my wife was pregnant with our first child on the 14th of this month. Obviously I've been pre-occupied with thinking about that, and the race was 3 days later on the 17th. The nite before I almost blew off the race but decided to go the morning of.
Yea the conditions were pretty damn miserable, but they always are at this race. Thick, deep mud, raining, and pretty cold. No biggie. Anyways, I pull up to the starting area and hear the local radio station (they sponsor the race in part) playing Iron Maiden ... "two minutes to midnight"....sweet! I used this song to train to many a time. Could this be a good omen? I hoped so. Got a good warm up in too. I think Ive done everything right. Bike is good, preparation is good, the only question is my mental state...
Everyone starts to fall into their respective classes and we are ready to go. Then comes the starting "gun" on your marks...get set....GO! Pro/Expert started first, then two minutes between them and SS, and then all Sport classes start together two minutes later...thats my group!
Get a pretty decent start and am pleased to note that my tire selection seems to have been about perfect.I'm running an Alligator up front and a 1.8 Fire Mud in the rear. I am getting great traction out of this combination. Besides a group of about 10-15 faster riders up in front, I seem to be holding my own through the first 10-15 minutes as we hit the first steady climb up a wide fire road and a few deep mud bog crossings. Feeling pretty good I start to hammer a bit more and make up some of the ground between me and the lead pack of sport racers. At the crest of the fire road climb I move way back in the saddle and prepare for the long descent down thru some rocky terrain which is fast and challenging. Near the bottom I get in trouble in some really deep muck and dump it off to the left side and find my entire left side submerged deep in a puddle of enormous proportions. As I get up after a glancing hit from behind by the guy following me I realize I cant feel my fingers or toes from the cold and I spit out some muddy water that tastes like horse crap from all the equestrians that ride around here. At about this time something clicked in my head..." what the heck am I doing out here?...this is crazy" Some fleeting thoughts that I could kill myself out here racing while I have a baby on the way. I don't belong out here anymore.... thats it... I've lost it. My head gets the best of me. I halfheartdly get back on the bike and ride the rest of the way down and thru the creek crossing and make my way up the next steep climb. In the back of my mind Ive already decided. I wont be finishing today.
About 10 minutes later I see my buddie ahead who is racing SS as we are both pushing our bikes up yet another steep grade which is pretty much unrideable for most of us humans. I say whats up as I trod past him, breathing deeply and he says I wondered when you were gonna catch up to me. I smile weakly and continue on, and don't see him again for the rest of the race.
At the end of the first lap I pull out of the race and back to the car to change and clean up. I did about a 1:06 but it doesn't really matter now and I have no idea where I stood in the field not that I cared.
Am I done racing??? crap whats wrong with me.... I always said as long as I finish I am happy and now I've quit a race....this feels really bad. I'm disappointed in myself. Im not a quitter...at least. I wasnt. |
| Don't give up of the fun part. | MPH
Feb 21, 2002 9:22 PM | | Remember, last year you did this race and had so much fun. Maybe you were putting too much of yourself into the competing aspect of the race. Yeah, I know, it is a RACE, but unless you're one of these rare animals that always place in the top three, put the emphasis on FUN!
Plus - the news of having a baby, the preparation of that event, and the new relationship you now have with your wife because of that, is a major player in what's going on in your head at this time.
So do the next race you've been planning on. Ride hard and think of it as a group ride! And hey - congrats! |
| Don't give up of the fun part. | LosingIT
Feb 22, 2002 9:42 PM | | You pretty much nailed it on the head. My head is in a daze right now. Im happy, excited, scared ,nervous...all at the same time. Its crazy! |
| re: Withdrew from a race for the first time........LONG RANT | shawndoggy
Feb 22, 2002 6:12 AM | | OK, first question... how do you know what horse crap tastes like? =o
Next point... you just learned how much of the race is mental, and how stress can snuff your performance just like lack of training or overtraining. The training aspect you can control (at least till your new baby arrives... and congrats!), but the stress part can sometimes be out of your hands.
Finally, I know what you mean about the "I shouldn't be out here" thoughts. I've got two kids now. Pre-kids I was the guy who would always take the sickest line, consequences be damned. Now I'll see a big jump and get flashes of "who'll get the kids dressed in the morning if I have a broken arm?" Not to say that you need to be a madman to win races... we all know that they're won on the climbs anyway.... but just that transitioning from one of the guys on a Mountain Dew commercial to a "grown up" might change how you ride a little. |
| some good points | KMan
Feb 22, 2002 7:48 AM | | I have 2 daughters 2 & 5. Safety is a big issue, but you probably have a better chance a getting killed being struck by lightning. Hurts and booboo's go away.
Racing competitively is very much mental. There are not too many races that I enter that at some point I say to myself, what the h3ll am I doing here, it just hurts really bad. Then I just keep thinking that everyone else is hurting just as much. Learn to ride fast and safe, pick the best "racing" lines, it is usually better to take the safer rout and not crash than to save 2 seconds by taking a chance.
Learn from you experience and if you don't feel like racing anymore, no big deal you gave it a shot and decided it just wasn't for you. You have no idea how many "racing" buddies that I have lost over the years just because racing wasn't their thing.
KMan |
| it tastes like it smells....yea thats it! | LosingIT
Feb 22, 2002 9:30 PM | | Talk about nasty stuff. Nothing like being wet, cold, and lying in a pool of horse poop while spitting out water you inhaled in a crash...hehe. I can relate to a lot of what you said. It is very much a mental thing...racing that is... once that thing clicked in my head i KNEW it was over for that day. |
| re: Withdrew from a race for the first time........LONG RANT | FritzMan
Feb 22, 2002 6:20 AM | | I found your post interesting because I went through a similar experience. I'm about 2 years further up the road than you - meaning I have a two year old. Last year, I took up competitive enduro racing with great success, including multiple top fives in age catergory (sport/expert). During one 100km event however, I remember thinking to myself, what the hell am I doing here? On a day like today (beautiful July weather), I would much rather at the cottage with my wife and son. The race was fun and all, but no more that a typical 2 hours ride with my buddies. At that time though, I had brushed the thought off, enjoying the event as much as one can with 90 deg weather in the middle of nowhere and a swarm of flies chasing you.
For this year, I was ready to make a stronger presence, and training an average 10-12+ hrs per week. I'd lost 10 pounds, felt good, and was ripping up my local training route. Unfortunately, in December, my wife lost a pregnancy and the impact was more dramatic than anticipated. I realised that my family, and especially my son, would need more of my time than ever, and my desire to spend a lot more time with them had grown as well. I began to feel guilty of my selfishness in the time I would loose with my family from competitive training rather than casual riding, and the commute, overnight stay, and participation of full-day events. I knew I would be thinking that thought I had during the July enduro with much more frequency and intensity. In an instant, my strong motivation to train had died a shockingly swift death. All planned events were wiped off the calendar, and riding was reduced considerably, more so for personal enjoyment and fitness rather than duration and intensity. It's been hugely refreshing, and I've realised how much I would have missed of my son's growth. Who knows, some day I'll return to enduro racing - but with my son as a fellow competitor. |
| re: Withdrew from a race for the first time........LONG RANT | LosingIT
Feb 22, 2002 9:27 PM | | Nothing like such a difficult time to gain a lot of perspective on what really counts. This is what has changed in me once I found out that my wife is pregnant. Sorry for your loss as well it must have been very hard. |
| I generally think racing sucks... you gotta ride for yourself. | BlargleSnart
Feb 22, 2002 8:43 AM | | |
| I have absolutely..... | Nigey
Feb 22, 2002 8:50 AM | | ... no race experience whatsoever so I'm eminently qualified to not talk about that issue.
But congratulations on your impending arrival -this is what I can talk about with some knowledge and experience. The fact is this sort of news is monumental and scaringly life changing (but for the better mind you). You are absolutely entitled to start wondering what you were doing. Fact is, I think usually things sort of get put into a greater and somewhat simpler perspective for soon to be fathers -you have to prioritorize what means something and what doesn't. It's natural and more importantly, I think it's good and essential.
This doesn't mean to say racing isn't or won't be important to you, just that you caught yourself thinking a bit more about stuff and you've got to get yourself sorted out. You've got to live for the moment and enjoy your biking and the happy preparations and expectations for your family; savour them, time flies by too quickly.
And trust me, worrying about races won't be at the top of your list of concerns soon.... ;^) |
| more great stuff | LosingIT
Feb 22, 2002 9:25 PM | | A lot of what I am hearing from people here is what I have been feeling and thinking about.... but havent been able to express it quite as well as you did. Thanks! |
| I assume this was Cool, CA... | RF
Feb 22, 2002 11:19 AM | | based on your description. I know people who flat refuse to do that race. In fact a buddy of mine quit within the first mile. I raced it in 2000 and ruined my drivetrain and had to overhaul my fork. I think it is a race for singlespeeders.
I know exactly where you crashed because I got "taken out" on that same DH. The course is miserable, unless you are a "mudder". A "mudder" is born not made. Not being one doesn't mean you are a bad mtn biker. The year I raced Cool I bet 30% dropped out. Some of those same people waxed me at the Sea Otter.
Give yourself some slack on the quitting. If it just isn't your day, so be it.
As for the concern about injury, I would suggest that you evaluate what happened. I will speak from experience when I say that most serious injuries result from taking excessive chances and/or not knowing the course. Also, you can race conservatively on DH's and still do well. I haven't known many XC races to be won anywhere other than climbs. |
| Yep...it was Cool | LosingIT
Feb 22, 2002 9:22 PM | | The experience of it alone this year taught me quite a few things, looking back at it. It IS a pretty crappy experience overall, unless you revel in it and eat it all up. With my mental state not being in the race, I think it wasnt too surprising that I dropped out in hindsight.... |
| Don't worry about it | Roger
Feb 26, 2002 2:52 PM | | it was really cold this year, less wet than last year, but much colder. That will play with your head and sticking it in the mud, can generally screw with your mind. Sometimes you have bad days, put it in the bank and move on but don't be discouraged.
Just to make you feel better, I crashed off the left side of the bridge into the swamp on my first lap, head first into that crap, totally disgusting, and the second lap, I slid off the right side and landed on my head and shoulder, ouch! Oddly enough, I had a good race. ;0) |
| re: Withdrew from a race for the first time........LONG RANT | beer dog
Feb 22, 2002 11:36 AM | | Your not a quitter. I would say you responded appropriately to finding out about a life changing event. Racing is a choice. It would be much easier to skip training, skip races, and eat whatever you want, but you found some reward in training and racing. Now you are questioning that reward, but has anything really changed?
Finding out that your going to be a parent is such a strange feeling. It's like you won the lottery, but you can't collect for another 7 or 8 months.
If you are worried that a new family member will make it impossible to race, you might be right. Although I'm sure several people here will tell you differently. A big factor will be your wife's support. If you decide that racing is important to you, you will need to have your wife's buy in. Talk about it, talk about it, talk about it.
And to give you a little nudge towards continuing to race, remember that everything you do will be closely watched by your child. Is self discipline and physical fitness something that you want your child to value? |
| wow... thanks | LosingIT
Feb 22, 2002 9:23 PM | | What you said made a ton of sense to me and really helped me think thru this... thnx |
| re: Withdrew from a race for the first time........LONG RANT | zed30
Feb 22, 2002 1:37 PM | | I have had the same problem (more than once). Although all I can usually think of is the 30 bucks I spent on the damn race. |
| Thanks everyone.... | LosingIT
Feb 22, 2002 9:17 PM | | I really learned a lot from your remarks and thoughts. It's helped quite a bit to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way before. I still plan on doing Sea Otter...I'll report back on my experience there! |
| I've been there... | K-Zero
Feb 24, 2002 1:24 PM | | ...and believe me, I know what you're going through. I'm posting my race report from last year's Napa World Cup, where I too withdrew from the race. Just know that you're not the only one who've experienced this...and that you can rebound from it. After Napa World Cup, I was able to finish the season with a 1st place finish.
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The preparation was complete:
- I stayed at a hotel near the race site so I could relax the night before
- I had a surprisingly restful sleep
- I ate/drunk all the right stuff
- My bike was clean & all tuned-up
- I lined up at the start well warmed-up.
Everything I could've thought of was perfect. Everything was prepared to tackle the World Cup circuit....except for my courage and will.
Less than 15 min into the race, I ripped off my number and walked off the course. I wasn't hurt. My bike didn't fail. Still, I slowly walked down the hill to the finish, with small tears in my eyes and my number clinched tightly in my fist. At that moment I became what I hoped I would never be...a quitter.
It's been over 6 hours since I walked off the course, and I still haven't found a satisfying reason as to why I quit. Best explanation I can give so far, then, is that I was scared. After failing to clear steep, muddy switchbacks and barely riding through the off-camber singletrack on the hill side, my entire body started to tense up and I became afraid. On every turn I thought I was going to slide off the hill, and on every decedent I thought I'll fly over the handlebar. I started to lock up both of my brakes, and I was quickly reduced to walking down the singletrack. At this point I only about half-way through the first lap, yet I must've walked over 50% of the course. I began doubting my ability to even complete this race, and few minutes later I decided to quit.
Someone once said, you should never give up because once you do, you'll be tempted to quit again. Having experienced quitting first hand, I must say this is a bull shit. Giving up in a race (without physical/mechanical problem) feels so bad, I would never, ever, do it again. I spoke with Alison Syder after the race, and she agreed: " I never quit a race, because no matter how bad I feel, I would feel worse if I gave up." She told me that if she's having a bad race, she just takes it as a training ride; after all, "you have to train anyway."
Looking back, I feel I could've definitely finished the race. I've ridden trails that are faster and more technical, and I know I have enough strength to complete 12-mile race. I guess I gave up because I've totally convinced myself that this race was a total failure if I didn't do well. I was seeking redemption for my poor-finish at Sea Otter, and I needed to perform well in order to justify cutting classes on Friday and spending big bucks on hotel/gas for the race. Instead of simply enjoying the experience like all of my previous races, this was the race I had to be extremely competitive. So when things weren't going as expected, I simply gave up.
The race number is now taped to the wall, with the words "never again." It will be a painful reminder of what it's like to give up.
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Ride on,
K-Zero |
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